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Football Crab Racing- Folkie's 9/16

Hoy Hoy!!
Greetings from Casa dos Gatos and welcome back to Mayberry. Hope your gig in Massachusetts went smoothly. Everything's seems to be going swell here. That's usually when the wheels fall off. We'll see.

Another classic Folkie's crowd. There are different types of Crab Crowds. The classic Three Kings crowd is large, loud, and about halfway paying attention, but always a blast. The classic Folkie's crowd tends to fall short of a sellout, but makes up for it with intensity and enthusiasm, and as in Hoagland, always a blast. I'll try to sneak a couple of vids into this post to illustrate my point.

You can tell summer is over, the top six teams in the Folkie's Crab are with us to begin the stretch drive in the 2009 Crab Racing Season. Pete's back after a summer of riding. He's joined by his compadres from SRL. The two Hinksters are here, as well as the Crabby Young Pharts, Crustacean Sensations, Screamin' Seamen, Tighter Than A Banjo String Racing, Folkie's Fockers, and the good doctors of the American Association of Amateur Gynecologists. Steve Schrader is your lovely host. Ricky Four Inch is behind the Bar. Thursday Night Shane is in the Kitchen and Rhonda is back on the floor, SERVING US ALL!!!!! I think I saw Hank out back, would somebody get him and tell him it's time for-


Football Crab Racing-

PreRace:

Some of this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And there’s always this.

Rules To Live With And Abide By

Trivia Answers:
1) Franklin Delano Roosevelt
2) Gerald Ford
3) Colonel Tom Parker
4) The Godfather
5) Spartacus

National Anthem (fourth verse)
Flag Holder- Georgia

They’re Off and They’re Haulin’ Shell

Preliminaries
First Half:
1) Winner- Super Folkie, The House Crab

Starting Lineup

2) Winner- #46 Don't Trust The Ho, Cuz The Ho Don't Trust You- Sapphire Racing League (SRL)
3) Winner- #89 Abe Froman, The Sausage King Of Chicago- Crabby Old Farts (COF)
4) Winner- #59 Doctor Claw- Crustacean Sensations (CS)
5) Winner- #41w Lonely Boner- Dan
6) Winner- #71 John Doe- COF
7) Winner- #76 Thanx. Now Wipe That Shit Off Your Face And Get Me A Beer- Screamin' Seamen (SS)
8) Winner- #62 Don't Eat The Clowns, They Taste Funny- Folkie's Fockers (FF)

Halftime:
Some of this.

Second Half (Right back at ya):
9) Winner- #35 I'm Throwing A Party Between My Legs! Wanna Come?- Amanda

Halftime Entries:
Sevenish

10) Winner- #65 Old Strippers Don't Retire, They Just Get The Crabs- SS
11) Winner- #41r Beat The Brakes Off That Pussy- SRL

The Wave

12) Winner- #30 Kosuke Fukudome- FF
13) Winner- #40 Sapphire III- SRL
14) Winner- #87 Screaming Orgasm- Greg
15) Winner- #48 If I Give U A Banana, Will U Fuq Me Like A Gorilla?- Team Hinkey (TH)
16) Winner- #6 Tallywhacker Toucher- TH

Goodbye Losers:

Bob & Tom Semifinals:
1) Winner- Super Folkie, The House Crab
2) Winner- #65 Old Strippers Don't Retire, They Just Get The Crabs- Screamin' Seamen
3) Winner- #89 Abe Froman, The Sausage King Of Chicago- Crabby Old Farts


4) Winner- #6 Tallywhacker Toucher- Team Hinkey

Finals
Order of Merit:
Fourth Place- Hearty Wave and A Well Done- #89 Abe Froman, The Sausage King Of Chicago- Crabby Old Farts
Third Place- A High Quality Folkie's Tee-Shirt- #65 Old Strippers Don't Retire, They Just Get The Crabs- Screamin' Seamen
Second Place- $20 in Folkie's Krab Kash (The Next Best Thing To Free)- Super Folkie, The House Crab
First Place- $30 in Folkie's Krab Kash (Ditto)- #6 Tallywhacker Toucher- Team Hinkey

Time:
Plus Eleven!

Technically, there was only one Top Five Crab in the Finals, the resurgent Super Folkie. Although the #89 Crab is actually the renumbered Fifth Place Crab, #84. I've done some research and in the recorded history (the past two years) of Crab Racing, the winner of Race 16 has made the Finals five times. Tonite was the sixth time, and the first time that that Crab went on to win First place. That means that Tallywhacker Toucher lost 15 races before winning the last Preliminary, the last Semi-Final, and the Finals, the next three races she ran in. A feat that shall in the future be dubbed a Tallywhack. Good on ya Darlin', well done.

The Crabs return to Folkie's for a rare "Blue Moon" show (three shows in one month) on September 30th. Nearly forgot to mention Super Folkie took Second Place, so we'll be racing for a $50 First Place prize. remember, pick 'em at 7:30, race 'em at 8:00. Until then, he's Sonny Starr.



Ciao for nao
j

Correction

After the races on the 16th, The Screamin' Seamen brought it to my attention that they in fact had taken 4th Place on the 2nd (or was it 2nd Place on the 4th?). Upon further review of the tape, it appears that in a fit of latent dyslexia, I mistakenly noted #48 as the 4th Place Crab, rather than their crab, #84.

I will correct the Race Summary, as well as the League Standings at my first opportunity. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

djjj

update: corrected as of 9/20

Carolina Chocolate Drops

Possibly the greatest kazoo playing in the history of music. Enjoy!

Crab Wonk 9/15

Hey Gang,
The Crabs return to Folkie's tomorrow and I thought I'd give them a look to see if there are any trends. I'll just preface this with a precautionary "none of this may mean anything"!

The big news is that Super Crab moves back to the Number One spot in the rankings after a three week absence from the finals. It's widely thought that during those three weeks, Supe was forced out of his shell by the Crab that was #41. The Number Two ranked Crab, #41 failed to get to the Semis on Friday in Hoagland but his pattern has been to win in alternate weeks (although, as we said, that may have been Super Crab in the 41 shell).

The Third Ranked Crab, #5, didn't win a race on the 11th, but has made the Finals in five of the last eight Races. The Number Four Crab, #71, looked strong last week with a Third Place on Wednesday and a win on Friday. I believe that Sonny said that the #84, currently ranked Fifth, is now #89 who took the First Race on Friday. Unfortunately that put him in the same bucket as the evening's eventual Winner.

One last bit to chew on. In the last five Races, no more than two ranked Crabs have made the finals. Here's the distribution on their Rankings-

#1- two times in the Finals
#2- zero times in the Finals
#3- one time in the Finals
#4- two times in the Finals
#5- three times in the Finals

I'm not sure if that last listing is a testament to the unpredictability of Racing Crabs or an indictment of the Ranking System itself!

I once asked my Daughter if she could use her Economics degree to figure a way to pick Crabs with some accuracy. Surely four years and sixty thousand dollars would buy me some sort of useful algorithm. She passed. Apparently, switching shells is hard to fit into a formula.

I can't promise that any of this crap means anything, but I will go out on a limb on one thing- I'll bet First Place will be worth more than $30 on the 30th. See you tomorrow.

djjj

Football Crab Racing- Three Kings 9/11

Chimichanga Cheeseyburrito!
Greetings from Casa dos Gatos. I'm guessing you're getting set to head for the gig in Massachusetts, so here's a recap of last Friday night in Hoagburg.

Man this summer has been some of the most beautiful weather I think I've ever seen. Not great for selling air conditioning, but very pleasant indeed and tonite is no exception. The sound of accordions is wafting from the giant tent across the road that's holding this year's version of Oktoberfest. Nonetheless, we have a classic Hoagsville crowd, with the line forming around ten after seven and our first Natural Sellout in a couple of months. The lovely and wonderful Sara With No H rejoins us after a couple of months off. Truly a pleasure to see her again. She's joined by a nice size group of Racers. Several Regulars are back. Barb, Jake, and Defending Champ Michelle among them. We're also joined by a large contingent of members of the Transportation Security Administration. Please place your shoes in the tray, thank you. Young Dave is Your Lovely host and manning the Bar and Jill-Bob is on the floor, SERVING US ALL!!!! This brings us to the point in the evening when it's appropriate to ask, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME-

Football Crab Racing-

PreRace:
Some of this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And there’s always this.

Rules To Live With And Abide By

Trivia Answers:
1) Yukon King
2) Elvis Presley
3) The Imperials
4) Saturn
5) Germany

National Anthem (fourth verse)
Flag Holder- Susan

They’re Off and They’re Haulin’ Shell

Preliminaries
First Half:
1) Winner- #89 Dog Pound- Mike

Starting Lineup

2) Winner- #58 Open Wide- Megan
3) Winner- #6 Well Hung- Michelle
4) Winner- #41 Ninja Crab- Sara
5) Winner- #71 PC- Melanie
6) Winner- #76 Krispy Kritter- Deb
7) Winner- SC Super Hermie- Megan
8) Winner- #88 Check Your Pockets- Jeremy

Halftime:
Some of this.

Second Half (Right back at ya):
9) Winner- #95 Brett Favre- Sandy

Halftime Entries:
Not Tonite

10) Winner- #35 Mustache Ride- Joe
11) Winner- #65 Dirty Sanchez- Alfredo

The Wave

12) Winner- #54 Chuck Norris- Henry
13) Winner- #30 Fat Bastard- Crissy
14) Winner- #75 Horny- Susan
15) Winner- #74 Itchy- Barb
16) Winner- #38 Bob- Kelly

Goodbye Losers:

Disco Semifinals:
1) Winner- #71 PC- Melanie
2) Winner- #76 Krispy Kritter- Deb
3) Winner- SC Super Hermie- Megan
4) Winner- #38 Bob- Kelly

Finals
Order of Merit:
Fourth Place- Hearty Wave and A Well Done- #76 Krispy Kritter- Deb
Third Place- A High Quality Crab Racing Tee-Shirt- #38 Bob- Kelly
Second Place- $15 in Three Kings Kash (The Next Best Thing To Free)- SC Super Hermie- Megan
First Place- $25 in Three Kings Kash (Ditto)- #71 PC- Melanie

Time:
Plus Six

Well now we have a conundrum. Of the Five Fastest Crabs In The World, one makes the Finals. And he was the one Crab of the five that was in decline. It appears that there has been some serious Shell Swapping going on. I'll explore that more in a separate post.

#71 takes the top prize. Ironically, he took Race Six and then the first Semi Final. These are the same Races that he took on the way to Third Place last Wednesday at Folkie's. Super Crab returns to the Finals for the first time in four weeks to take Second Place. #38 and #76 come from nowhere to take Third and Fourth respectively.

By the way, if you'd like to be put on the CrabLine mailing list, send me an email at jjjxn@hotmail.com and I'll hook you up. The Amazing Racing Crabs return to Hoagington on October 9th for a show to be named later. Until then, he's Sonny Starr!

Ciao for nao j

The Godfather

Another in our series of CrabLine Condensed Classics-

Beers Of The World- Folkie's 9/2

Hoy Hoy!!
Greetings from Casa dos Gatos! Gonna sneak this one in in time for tomorrow night's Races at Hoagland.

Quite the small Crab Crowd tonite in the friendly confines for the first of three big shows in September, but as Steve and I discussed earlier in the week, even when the crowds at Folkie's are small, they're top notch. Always on their a-game. Our hats are off to them.

We've got three of the top six teams in the building tonite. The First Place SRL Boys are up in the Skyboxes, as are the Sixth Place Banjo Stringers. The Third Place Screamin' Seamen make their first trek to Race Row, where they're joined by a few more TBSers as well as some top shelf independents. No Hinkeys, no Pharts, and no Crustaceans, means that there are a bunch of League points available to the Teams in attendance. Steve Schrader is your lovely host, Ricky The Four Inch Wonder is once again behind the bar, Thursday Night Shane is in the Kitchen, and Nelia is on the Floor, SERVING US ALL!!! 149 labels in the inner portion and 88 labels in the Red Zone, it's-

Beers of the World Crab Racing

PreRace:

Rules To Live With And Abide By

Trivia Answers:


1) The Imperials
2) Saturn
3) Elvis Presley
4) Germany
5) Yukon King

National Anthem (fourth verse)
Flag Holder- Rochelle

They’re Off and They’re Haulin’ Shell

Preliminaries:
First Half:
1) Winner- #58 Les U More Me- Tighter Than A Banjo String Racing (TBS)

Starting Lineup

2) Winner- #30 Sofa King Awesome- Screamin' Seamen (SS)
3) Winner- #5 Beat The Brakes Off That Pussy- Sapphire Racing League (SRL)
4) Winner- #35 U Want A Blow Job? I'll Bet U Do- Folkie Fockers (FF)
5) Winner- #71 I Went 2 Folkie's And Got The Crabs- Mike
6) Winner- #84 Thanx. Now Wipe That Shit Off Of Your Face And Get Me A Beer- SS
7) Winner- #65 This Is For Rachel- SS


8) Winner- #76 Don't Eat The Clowns, They Taste Funny- FF

Halftime:
Some of this.

Second Half (Right back at ya):
9) Winner- #38 Fairmount Floozy- Jimmy

Halftime Entries:
Nope.

10) Winner- #7 I'm Sorry Miss, The Cleaners Should Be Able To Get That Out Of Your Blue Dress- TBS
11) Winner- #41 I'm Effin' Awesome- Rochelle

The Wave

12) Winner- Super Crab, The House Crab
13) Winner- #59 Getting Head Is Not Cheating- TBS
14) Winner- #48 Fuqweiser- TBS
15) Winner- #54 Fitty Foe- Scott
16) Winner- #6 Okie From Muskogee- TBS

Goodbye Losers:

Semifinals:
1) Winner- #71 I Went 2 Folkie's And Got The Crabs- Mike
2) Winner- #48 Fuqweiser- Tighter Than A Banjo String Racing
3) Winner- #5 Beat The Brakes Off That Pussy- Sapphire Racing League
4) Winner- #41 I'm Effin' Awesome- Rochelle

Outstanding Individuals:
Your Lovely Host- Steve Schrader
Behind The Bar- Ricky Four Inch
In The Kitchen- Thursday Night Shane
On The Floor, SERVING US ALL!!!- Nelia

Finals

Order of Merit:
Fourth Place- Hearty Wave and A Well Done- #48 Fuqweiser- Tighter Than A Banjo String Racing
Third Place- A High Quality Tee Shirt- #71 I Went 2 Folkie's And Got The Crabs- Mike
Second Place- $20 in Folkie’s Bucks (the next best thing to free)- #5 Beat The Brakes Off That Pussy- Sapphire Racing League
First Place- $30 in Folkie’s Bucks (ditto)- #41 I'm Effin' Awesome- Rochelle

Time:
Minus Three

Rochelle rides the Flagholder's Luck to an impressive win. The Sapphire Group extends their Lead in the League Standings by taking 4 Second Place points. Third Place goes to Mike and The Banjo Stringers grab the Hearty Wave as well as the Well Done. #5 hangs on to 1st in the World Rankings, while #41 makes a major move past Super Crab from 4th to 2nd. Keep an eye on that Crab.

The Crabs return to the Friendly Confines on the 16th, with Football Crab Racing. Pick 'em at seven-thirty, race 'em at eight, we'll see you then!

Ciao for nao
j